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Home | COLUMNISTS | General | Divorce Granted

Divorce Granted

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“What’s the first case?’ asked the Judge in the second week of March 2011.

‘I am asking for a divorce, Your Honour’, said a fat huge looking man in a dark suit. “I accidentally married myself for two full years to an Archaic Cock.’

“Good Gracious, it’s Honorable Save. How could you in all proper manners marry another man, an Archaic Cock for that matter? How did such a thing happen?”

“It wasn’t my fault Your Honour. I was duped into this union by Mbeki from South. I knew I won the erection in 2008, but Tobaiwa wouldn’t hear of that. He cooked up Jongwe ahead of me; the whole simmering process took close to a month before he declared that I lost the erection. Then came Mbeki who drove me into this marriage, with a third partner, the Roving Professor, Arthur”.

“Do you tell this Honorable Court that you are in a Three-some marriage? My goodness, Mbuya Nehanda must be turning in her grave” Justice Chatodyausiku sighed. “And how did Authur come in this unholy matrimony? Was it solemnized by the unholy bishop Nadultery Kunhongwa?’

“Your Honour, the story is long and I beg not to waste the time of this court. I merely seek a divorce from Jongwe”. A shrill voice was heard from the public gallery. All eyes turned and looked at the tiny woman clad in chitenge dress and donning dreadlocks. “Did I hear anyone speak?” The judge barked.

“Yes your Honour. My name is Miscilla Mushona, no, I mean Haparambwi in Ndebele. I belong to the third party of the union...” “You belong to the third party of the threesome, led by Arthur”, the judge spoke hoarsely.

“No, it’s no longer Arthur, now we have We-are-as-well-human, pronounced Wellshuman”.

“My Goodness! Madam, so you divorced Arthur and now are with Wellshuman? I am getting confused. First it was Honorable Save and Jongwe, and Arthur. Now it’s you and Arthur, I beg your pardon, and Wellshuman. So, who is married to whom and who wants divorce from who?”

Honorable Save spoke first. “Your honour, dismiss that woman immediately, she will bring more confusion to this court. She did so in our first marriage, leading to the divorce in 2005. She went into a premature union, the very one that gave us Arthur in the …eh eh, threesome. Yah, then she was the applicant seeking divorce from Arthur. Now she is with Wellshuman, and who knows who she intends to court next. Could be you, Your Honour!”

“Umdala Mor-gain, shut up before I reduce you to size!” The dreadlocked little woman spat venomously. The judge’s gavel slammed the desk and there was silence in court. “Never raise your voice in my court young lady. Now where are we? So, Honorable Save, what happened with the erection in 2008” The judge looked tired and lost. “Did anyone tamper with it?”

“That question is irrelevant and beyond the jurisdiction of this court, Your Honour. I am simply asking for a divorce from Jongwe”. “Oh, really, that’s a myriad task. Jongwe cannot be divorced for the obvious reasons. I mean I can’t grant that in this court, else I would be divorced too. Remember I am his surrogate darling!”

“You Honour, you never listened to the reasons why I want a divorce”. Save was showing muscles.

“Ok, So you want a divorce from Jongwe and an immediate marriage to the Dreadlocked lady? Divorce granted and marriage to the lady granted. I declared you husband and wife. Next case!”

“Hell, No! Your Honour, I want a divorce only”.

“Can we hear Jongwe’s side of the story”, interrupted a male voice from the back of the court. “And who is that again?” It was Arthur, the Robotics Professor, sitting side by side with Jonathan, the Tsholotsho Commander.

“Looks like we have a professorial-couple there. Who is male and who is female? Zimbabwean laws do not permit same sexing or marriage for heaven’s sake. I won’t hear any of that. Case dismissed on the grounds of women emancipation. Next case”

“It is me Your Honour, Wellshuman. I also want a divorce from Arthur”.

“Hell No. Angifuni. Stay put and learn to live with him”. The judge spoke mimicking…, you know who. The dreadlocked prosecutor shouted at the judge, “Your Honour, Arthur should be divorced; he is overshadowing and blocking me too”. “Miscilla Haparambwi, I thought you are a prosecutor, how did you suddenly become an interested member? You have to recuse yourself”. “You are out of date Your Honour! Remember I once erected in Glen Norah…rather was elected.”

“A woman erecting? This is not a platform for biological geriatrics. So why do you want a divorce from Arthur?”

“I suppose it is perfect to say we are actually on separation. Our marriage was just one of convenience. After 2005, I have been falling drastically out of fashion with these men. I thought my contribution would be rewarded; rather Your Honour, Women Emancipation…. Is favouring Eva Joice as he favours Lady Khuphe, and Opprah’

‘So now you want to divorce Women Emancipation and try Wellshuman or Honorable Save?’

‘Gracious No! I want to divorce Arthur, I am already engaged to Welshman”

“Exactly”, said the Judge. “Divorce granted! Court adjourns”.

 Capulet B. Chakupeta

Court Reporter

 
 
 
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